Since early January, I’ve been working on getting the dissertation going. This is the first time I’ve launched a project of this scope, and the way the process has impacted my life has been curious. I expected that I would need to talk my way through it, that I would need a lot of tangible support, and so I set things up accordingly. In late January, I gave a talk on my topic to a graduate seminar, and the discussion that came out of that was very helpful. I met with one member of my exams group several times, and that was energizing. I kept going to weekly dinners with C., and meeting E. and B. for lunch occasionally.

The thing was, I was writing until I started talking. I hardly wrote at all when I was most social. Then I noticed myself unconsciously withdrawing from a lot of contact and using various excuses to do so. C and I haven’t been able to get out schedules to sync, E took a new job 30 miles away, and B has been dealing with family tasks. I checked out of writing group for the time being. I’ve been scarcer around the department, which The Powers That Be are fine with. (As far as they’re concerned, a very visible dissertator is probably not doing much dissertating.) Once I had withdrawn from those things, I started writing again, and I wrote more and more. As I’ve finally finished the first full draft of the prospectus (28 pages, longer than it should be), I haven’t even been inclined to blog or flickr. Haven’t answered most non-business email, and have been sadly lax about calling my parents. I hang out with Mister Husband, but even then the introvert switch flips a little quicker than it normally would.

It's turned out that I needed to sit in a room by myself and wait for things to form. It's an active sort of waiting, but still waiting. I think it’s being in a position to notice the things that normally happen on the back burner of my brain and bring them more to the front. It’s writing things down before they can get away. Some people in my life have understood, but more have been offended by my lack of availability. I’m not sure exactly how to deal with this. I miss people and don’t want to upset them, but I’m also very interested in this other Thing, which really has to get done.

I wonder if this is what starting big projects will become for me. I wonder if this is how it works for other people. I wonder if after this thing gets underway I can start going out into the world again, or if hermitizing is a part of the whole process.

Only one way to find out, I guess.